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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  August 21, 2012 11:30pm-12:05am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show, here it is, your moment of zen. >> if one study has it right, men who are stressed out under this tough economy report a little more meat on the bones. >> maybe when those hunters were in a time of famine they wanted to have a nice meaty woman
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["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: woo! ba-boom! ba-boom! [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> welcome to the report begun everybody. please. thank you for joining ounce this beautiful evening. if you are a longtime viewer of this show you know i warned you about the dangers of secret muslims lurking all around us. i'm on to you al-obama. that why i admire minnesota congresswoman and amateur hip know tift michele bachmann for
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her brave attempt to root out muslim extremists from our government. this past june, she and along with fellow republicans, a group often referred to as the mensa of congress -- [ laughter ] -- sent a letter to the executive branch alleging that recent executive governmental decision appeared to be a result of influence operations conducted by individuals associated with the muslim brotherhood. in other words: muslims have infiltrating our government. did you know that the cafeteria serves crescent rolls? that is nothing more than warm buttery jihad. [ laughter ] now, folks, these accusations caused a firestorm because one of the suspected infiltrators is
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wife of former underwear model anthony wiener, top aide to hillary clinton and admitted muslim. [ laughter ] now, these charges were made without evidence and denounced by republicans john boehner, lindsey graham and john mccain who took to the floor of senate and called her accusations specious and degrading but former speaker and current not going to be president newt gingrich defending bachmann on the cnn. >> to start raising the issues of mccartyism. >> first of all there were real spies. >> a lot of innocent people who suffered. >> and a lot of guilty people who would have never been uncovered if people didn't have the courage to take them on. >> stephen: yes, it takes a brave noon accuse someone of something without evidence and
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demand they refute the evidence you don't v. tonight i'm accusing newt gingrich of being a baby eating werewolf. [cheers and applause] there it is. it's out there now. do i have evidence, no but someone has to stand up to him. [ laughter ] where do i find the courage? [ laughter ] sadly bachmann's biggest critic is fellow minnesotaan keith ellisson who -- surprise surprise is the nation's first muslim congressman. who kind of people would elect someone like that to congress. let's find out in the 67th installment of my series better know a district. tonight minnesota's fiveth. the fightin' fifth!
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the fifth district made history back in 1855 when they opened the hennepin avenue bridge, the first bridge that allowed eastbound travelers to cross the mississippi or if they were headed west the ippississim. the cities are new hope which is superior to neighboring cities attack of the clones, wisconsin. the fifth contains the walker art center which featured the boonbridge and cherry sculpture, a testament to the city's love of art as wells a realistic depiction of midwestern portion sizes. [ laughter ] and it's home to pop imp prince with amazing fans with his
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ability to viefer minnesota winters in ass-less pants. who has the mini apples to represent minneapolis? none other than three term congressman ellisson. thank you for talking to me today. >> pleased to meet you. >> stephen: tell me about the fightin' fifth. >> it's a great place. proud to represent minneapolis. >> stephen: that's in canada, correct? >> it's minnesota. >> stephen: i think it's manitoba. >> no. >> stephen: sure? ite certain. >> stephen: i understand you were the first secret muslim elected to congress. >> i wasn't a secret. >> stephen: you were the openly secret muslim. >> i didn't make a huge deal about my religion but other people did. >> stephen: you're welcome. i believe that islam is a great and true religion as revealed by the prophet mohammed and
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blessings and peace be upon him. >> that's good. >> stephen: i say that to every congressman not because you are muslim. i'll keep it in because you are muslim not because i'm frightened. >> sure. >> stephen: would you say to your muslim brethren stephen is cool. >> stephen is cool. >> stephen: thank you. michele bachmann has called for inspections into how far muslims have infiltrated the united states government. how much infiltration into the government? >> none at all. >> stephen: are you a muslim? >> yes, sir. >> stephen: do you have siblings. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: you are a muslim brother. >> i guess. >> stephen: you realize i caught you in a lie. >> that's a whole other organization in egypt. i don't have anything to do with that.
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>> stephen: i assume you fully support the investigation. >> i only support investigations where there's some factual basis for the investigation. >> stephen: you don't know if there's anything to support it until you do the investigation. >> i asked her what she had. >> stephen: what did she say? >> she dame up with nothing. >> stephen: maybe you frightened her. maybe -- no offense -- you are a muslim and if she told you you might tell your ready call buddies. >> but the problem is there's no imrais for the investigation in the first place. >> stephen: but there were also no weapons of mass destruction in iraq. >> that's true. >> stephen: that worked out. >> not really. >> stephen: i'm just saying a little witch hunt never hurt anyone. >> hurts a lot of people. >> stephen: isn't it better to be safe han muslim? >> better to be fair. >> stephen: we'll disagree on
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that. let's talk about the current political spotlight. we're on tv but i'm putting you on the spot here. romney and obama. >> obama. >> stephen: very important decision. one more thought? >> obama. >> stephen: two out of three. if you say romney obama still wins. >> still going with obama. >> stephen: any chance. secret ballot. >> no way. >> stephen: i won't tell anybody. turn the camera off. >> no. >> stephen: really. if mitt romney called you up tonight and said i want to you be my vice president would you take it? >> no, sir. >> stephen: you say that now but when the phonecall comes you don't know what is going to happen. >> yes, i do. >> stephen: let's role play right now. okay. ring, ring. ring, ring. >> hello. >> stephen: please hold for governor romney.
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♪ keith. >> how are you doing, sir? >> stephen: keith, ha, ha, ha. now then, keith. you know i'm running for president of the united states? >> yes, sir. >> stephen: well, it's been made clear to me that i need a vice presidential candidate and i was hoping that you would be mine. >> no, sir, i'm sorry. i can't do it. >> stephen: keith, i'm very excited thank you. we're going be a great team. >> no, sir. >> stephen: ha, ha that's great. thanks, keith. i'll see you tomorrow. click. that's great. you handled that very well. >> but i'm not going to do it. >> stephen: that's going to be tough. now you put him in a bad position. he put out a press release. >> i don't think i could do it. >> stephen: think what it
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would mean for american muslims the first muslim vice presidential candidate. think about yourself a little less and think about other people a little more for a second. i would have to be part of an administration that i disagree with completely. >> stephen: all right. priorities clear. mary tyler moore was set in minneapolis, correct? >> yes. >> stephen: why couldn't she find a nice guy? >> i don't know bad luck. >> stephen: was she an influence on you? >> no. ♪ who can turn the world on with her smile ♪ ♪ who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it worthwhile it's you keith and you should know it ♪ love is all around no need to waste it -- jump in you can have a town why don't you.
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>> take it. ♪ you're gonna make it after all ♪ you're gonna make it after all >> you're good. >> stephen: congressman, thank you so much for talking to me today. >> absolutely. >> stephen: would you mind throwing this hat in the air. >> just throw it up? [cheers and applause] >> stephen: let's put minnesota's fifth up on the big board. oh, it's august 9 so that must be minnesota's first snow. we'll be right back. ♪
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[ male announcer ] introducing new dentyne split to fit pack. it splits in to two smaller, sleeker packs that fit almost anywhere so you can take them everywhere. dentyne split to fit. practice safe breath. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks -- thank you. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: folks, you know, i've longed been recognized as a pioneer.
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i even pioneered recognizing myself as a pioneer. anybody else who noticed my greatness is a lazy fraud who i thank from the bottom of my heart. you are the reason i do this. this ises who honoring me now. [cheers and applause] tonight long overdue recognition of my influence comes from a joint teach of psychology researchers out of canada and new zealand. makes sense after all what is new zealand but the canada of australia? they even have mounties. [ laughter ] in a study pub lished in the psychonomic bullet ten and review -- i read it for the pornography -- scientists look for truthiness which regular viewers know is the truth you feel in your gut regardless of what the facts support. it's just a little world
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changing concept i tossed off on my first show in 2005. evidently new zealand's time zone is seven years behind. in this study of my idea researchers showed people a series of claims such as the liquid metal inside a thermometer is magnesium and asked them to agree or disagree that each claim was true. everyone knows the metal in the thermometer is not magnesium. one taste and you know it's made of dancing light and liquid time. [ laughter ] however, when a deck active photograph such as a picture of a thermometer appeared with the claim, people were more likely to agree that the claim was true regardless of whether it was actually true. that makes sense. i don't believe a thing in books that only have words like the dictionary but i know that
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caterpillar is hungry because he ate right through the pictures. thank you. my only problem -- [ applause ] my only problem with this scientific study is that it was a scientific study. [ laughter ] truthiness and empire cl evidence don't mix. it's like putting metal in the microwave. they take vengeance by spitting fire and voiding my warranty. you can't prove truthiness with information. you prove truthiness with more truthiness. in a process known as truthiness-iness. but ultimately in the end i trust this study for one important reason: it came with a picture of me. and that is all the evidence i will every need. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: he will thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a celebrated movie star who is now moving on to the theater. a few more years and you might work his way down to waiter. please welcome woody harrelson. [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] good g- to see you. hold on one second.
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yes! [cheers and applause] sorry i'm addicted to these people. i can't walk away from them sometimes. >> you gotta love your public, man. >> stephen: good to see you again, my friend. what is going on? >> good to see you, sir. the last time was a wonderful experience. >> stephen: we had a wonderful time. we sang the national anthem. i shaved your head. >> yeah, you shaved my head and didn't have to do much shaving. >> stephen: what are we shaving tonight? and how big of a job is it? [ laughter ] all right. moving on. okay, all right. sir -- >> ah. >> stephen: everybody knows you are a celebrated actor, right? >> thank you for saying that. >> stephen: you are a celebrated actor, emmy winner, multiple oscar nominee and you are a director. and now, and this is the part that gets me, now you have written a play. okay which is off broadway now
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it's at the new world stage called bullet for adolf. >> yes. >> stephen: is that a sequel to the sound music? is that like the von trapp comes back with extreme prejudice? ♪ you are 16 now you're dead meat ♪ clap a little bit. what is the story, my friend? >> can i preface this by saying. >> stephen: you can do anything you want you are woody harrelson. >> thank you. sounds better coming from you but, yeah, i feel like a lot of people come on to promote stuff shamelessly promoting. honestly i like you. i come here just to hang out with you. >> stephen: thank you very much it's refreshing. it's refreshing not to have to talk about your project. i love you --
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[cheers and applause] kind of hot. kind of hot. >> stephen: you know what? speaking of kind of hot, i've heard that you do not like air conditioning. >> no, i don't, i -- >> stephen: why don't you like air conditioning wood woodrow? >> i try to avoid it at all costs. i feel like it makes me unhealthy. i like to go with the ambient temperature. i noticed you have a little bit of ac going on. >> stephen: yes, yes, i like to keep it so cold, can i cut diamonds with the audiences nipples. okay? are you sure you don't want to talk about this play because it's fascinating. you have a friend here named franky you hung out with him 30 years ago. >> i met him in the summer of 1983 and this play concerns that
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summer. >> stephen: you knew him almost 30 years ago. you hung out one summer? >> that was when we met. we had an incredible summer. became such a good friend. you know, i last we had a few phonecalls and he left houston. i couldn't find him. >> stephen: and then you went on leno. >> i asked if anybody knew him. ten years later desperate to find him. if anybody knows him have him get in touch. his brother was watching and we were hanging and talking to him about this idea for a play. well, there was no plot that summer but the characters were fascinating and i thought it would be great. i didn't want to mention it. >> stephen: you wenten to leno to find somebody. you know about facebook, right? you can just google people. >> this is 1993 so i i believe t
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was prefacebook. >> stephen: he had rough time in the period between hanging out and you found him. you helped him go through rehab and that sort of thing. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: you are not the greatest drug rehab model, you realize that? >> this may be a weird place to announce it but i have quit everything, yeah. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: really. good on you. good for you. absolutely. good. so you don't -- no more of the doobie. >> i mean i haven't had anything since this morning. been going extraordinarily well. >> stephen: really no shakes or anything at this point. >> well, a little bit. yeah, a little. i got you a shirt. you gave me this cool hat. it's a little bit of a schwag. it has a logo bullet braid off.
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i we are it over here. it's a little bit fitted but -- >> stephen: yeah, that's great. yeah. the play is called bullets for adolf. woody harrelson playing now at the new world station. go see it. we'll re bite
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♪ [ male announcer ] introducing new dentyne split to fit pack. it splits in to two smaller, sleeker packs that fit almost anywhere so you can take them everywhere. dentyne split to fit. practice safe breath.
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the
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>> feel the burn! tonight's targets include, john stamos, the paparazzi, a two-headed girl, russell peters and me, gilbert gottfried. here he is, an unregistered sex offender, jeff ross! [cheers & applause] >> thank you, gilbert. don't go too far. [applause] welcome to "the burn." how are you guys doing? [cheers & applause] yes! "the burn." this is a show kanye called the perfect bitch. [laughter] as usual, i'd like to start out with birthday shout-outs.
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the fastest man alive, usain bolt turns 26.173 years old today. [laughter] [applause] he's a great man. shows us what all jamaicans could do if they weren't so lazy. [laughter] like most jamaicans, he only works 10 seconds a day. [laughter] you can call him the fastest man on the planet. obviously you haven't had sex with me. happy birthday, usain bolt. now we can all go back to talking about the olympics for another four years. my next birthday shout-out goes to one of the most beloved figures, mr. hillary clinton. [laughter] bubba turns 66 this week. he made a wish, blew out the candles. when he opened his eyes, hillary was still breathing. [laughter] he's at an age now when he has to get up three to four times in the middle of the flight just to jerk off in the sink. [laughter] i love bill. he's ven


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